The Crazy Cat Index

We interrupt our regular food-related programming to bring you the Crazy Cat Index.

The Crazy Cat Index is a metric that gives insight on whether you (or anyone) are in danger of becoming a Crazy Cat Lady. It is just an indicator, and the outlying values are not necessarily useful. But that's no problem for me. The Crazy Cat Index is really just a tool for speculation, time-wasting, or making fun of my ex-girlfriends.

Here's how it works: the index is a ratio of person's age multiplied by number of cats in the household; over number of rooms in the household times number of human beings who share it. Age is measured in years. "Room" is defined as a weatherproof, full-time habitation space. Hallways don't count. Patios don't count. Bathrooms count, as do finished basement spaces. Laundry rooms? Sure, why not. Storage closets? No. If you're arguing to include closet space, then you already know you're a crazy cat lady. Stop trying to game the index.

Here are some examples for comparison.

Let's say a 35-year-old woman with one pet cat lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment with separate living and dining spaces. Count the rooms: 1) bedroom; 2) kitchen; 3) bathroom; 4) living room; 5) dining room.

Nothing about this woman sounds crazy outright. Her CCI is (35*1)/(5*1), or 7. If we increase her age to 50, her CCI is 10. So 7 to 10 a good benchmark for a person with a cat but no particular indicators of crazy. If the person shares the apartment with someone, the CCI is halved. This is still within normal range.

Compare with the CCI I calculated for someone of my acquaintance who is a known crazy cat lady. At 43 years of age, she lives in a small one-bedroom apartment (bed, bath, kitchen, living/dining area) with three cats. Her CCI, (43*3)/(4*1)=32.25, is frankly disturbing.

The CCI postulates that, all other factors being equal, crazy-cat-ladiness increases with age. Thus the CCI for each person in a cat-owning family is different, even though they share the same number of rooms, cats, and human companions. Living alone indicates more craziness than sharing a home with other people. Living in tiny one-room apartments is more crazymaking than living in spacious quarters.

Living alone in a studio apartment with multiple cats is, obviously, crazier and crazier every year.